I’m going to do it. Drop out. Leave. I’m not even going to stay for next semester. Because I don’t want to. I want to leave.
Because school has never been where I belong. Because I want to spend some time getting to know myself. I’m defined by people. I don’t want to be. Not anymore.
Maybe I’ll live in white plains, maybe I’ll have the guts to move to NYC, maybe I’ll live with Brenna, if she decides to go to school in the City, maybe I’ll live with Nicole, or Rachel. Maybe I’ll get to see Matt on a fairly regular basis. Maybe I can have lunch twice a week with my Rachel. Maybe I can work a stupid job I hate and maybe I can write in my free time. Maybe I can teach myself to paint better. Maybe I can go on long walks by myself. Maybe I’ll meet someone I can be myself with. Maybe I’ll get over my fear of money. Maybe I’ll actually learn to cook. Maybe I’ll feel free. That’s all I want.
yeah, it’s fine, you can ignore me, it’s not like we were in the middle of a conversation or anything.
Goddamnit, why do you do this? Why do you tell me you trust me and then prove you don’t by pulling away?
Why did you ask me to come to the tournament? You’ve already told me (several times) that, had you thought about it, you wouldn’t have asked for my number when we met. So why did you keep seeing me? I get the first impulse- the “pretty girl who’s nice to talk to” thing. So you asked for my number. So why did you call me? Why did you invite me to that tournament? Why did you agree to go out with me the weekend after that? And the one after that and so on? Why didn’t you stop yourself? You knew what was going to happen. You knew I would get hurt, that you couldn’t commit to a relationship, that it had to end sooner or later. So why did you let it go so far? Me, I was hopeful and so fucking naive. I kept hoping you’d say “fuck it” and just date me. You knew you couldn’t do that. So why did you let it get as far as it did?
You said once that you were afraid of letting yourself feel strongly for me. Was that true, or was that just an excuse?
I need you. You’re the only person who I feel truly understands. I need to hear your voice. I need to cry and know you care. I need you to hold my hand and tell me that you don’t know what to do but you’ll stay anyway.
why did you do this to me? Why did you make me care? Why did you make me love you? I’ve never felt this vulnerable and now you’re not there to catch me.
Why do I have to fight this urge to call you and beg you to run away with me, to just forget about everything and leave and pretend the world worked that way. If just for a little while?
I’m not sure how to do this.
First I thought I could really like Des. Then he told me he could “see himself in a long-term relationship with me” and I freaked out. I backed away. I realized I wasn’t over Scot, and I don’t know if I’ll ever properly be over him. I talked to Scot, made plans to see him. He’s still in my dreams almost every night. And then tonight I started missing Des. I haven’t even known him for two weeks but I do sort of miss him. So I started texting him. But, God, I’m so confused! I like Desmond. But I know full well that if Scot said he wanted me I would run straight into his arms without a second thought.
I should want to be with Desmond. He’s at school with me. He obviously likes me. He’s uncomplicated.
Scot is 200 miles away. He either doesn’t have feelings for me or won’t admit he does. He’s so so fucked up. But he’s the one I want. Still.
I guess I should have realized that after we talked you would distance yourself from me. It actually doesn’t hurt as much as it might have before. Because I know one day you won’t run away after you open up. Or at least I hope.
My dad’s right: I am impatient. When I get close to something good I want to speed up time and I tend to rush myself. But I know how fragile things are and I want to grab hold of happiness and hold onto it for as long as I can because I know I’ll turn around and someone will rip it from my fingers and run off into the night.
I have to do the hardest thing a person can do: wait.
In about 2 weeks it’ll have been a year since I looked death in the face and did the hard thing and lived. If I can do that, I can do anything.
I made a new blog: www.the-crow-girl.tumblr.com if anyone wants to follow it. I’m not posting the link on carolineandthemoon because I made the new blog because I’ve been feeling sort of claustrophobic about it. Over the next few weeks I’m going to be posting less on carolineandthemoon and more on the-crow-girl. I just figured my followers on this blog care more about what I have to say so I feel like I can trust you more. I’ll still post here though.
Last night I was freaking out. I’ve been freaking out on different levels all week. I was stressing about classes and transfer stuff and feeling homesick. I woke up a little late this morning, pulled on my plaid (possibly the most comfortable thing I own and I own a lot of comfortable things) and rushed off. After class I decided to walk across campus to get starbucks instead of going to the coffee place closer to where I was. I had a nice walk and I started thinking about spring break and all the things I want to do at home and how I’ll get to spend plenty of time with Nicole. I got my coffee and had a nice walk back. I felt so much better. I felt positive. And then I remembered the last time this happened. It was October. I was on my own for a week while my parents shuttled my younger brother from college to college and I commuted to WCC. On a thursday night I broke down, terrified about schoolwork and failing and not being good enough. I was supposed to go to a party the next night with a friend but I called and told her I wasn’t going because I was too stressed out. I just wanted to hide. The next morning I woke up and put on my plaid and headed for class a little early so I could drive to Starbucks before driving to school. I felt much more optimistic. It was a nice sunny day, even though it was a bit cold. I called my friend and told her I would come to the party. I met Scot that night. And although that didn’t work out in the long run for a while I was happy with him. I don’t expect anything great to happen tonight, but it’s a nice feeling, this sense of a parallel. It makes me feel like God was listening to me last night when I asked for his help. I still have the same things weighing on my mind, but just this little boost has helped me.
It’s so much easier pretending that I’m the heroine of some fantasy adventure story than to accept the fact that any life I live will be ordinary.
I didn’t go to any of my classes today. I told people I was feeling sick, but really, I just couldn’t face it today. I had horrible, vivid dreams last night, most of which I can’t recall clearly, but I kept waking up tangled in my blankets and covered in sweat. But I don’t want to tell anyone that. I don’t have anyone here that I really trust. I’m not going to show them weakness. I’m strong enough that I can take care of myself and I have people who care at home to support me from a distance. I just have to watch where I step for the next few months and I’ll make it though, hopefully unscathed.
